I'm at a complete loss these days, ironically becoming the type that craves the position of the martyr, maybe i need to pull myself apart because by doing so i don't have to face the fact that i need to take positive steps and in fact take them very soon. Education is not going my was and to be frank i'm probably going to fulfill the progress reports that were placed in front of me today, i'm not ok with that. I'm not ok with that in the slightest but what can i do? this has been a weird year and oddly an equally uneventful one, it has changed my way of thinking and living drastically, for the best and worst. I'm constantly tired, more and more becoming uninspired to do anything, i don't see the beauty or the excitement in what i did six months ago, like someone has intercepted all touch, taste and smell from my life. Its just melancholy.
My biggest worry is this modal and inadequate feeling before i've even had a chance to live my life. I mean hey, in the six months of gaining freedom i have rid every aspect of it from my life, i havnt felt the need to touch alcohol in months, i have no craving to meet new people, nor do i have the yearning to throw myself from girl to girl. But this all has its reasoning, which has been the success of these six months, i got everything i asked for in an incredible girlfriend which is as genuine as they come, i think she's beautiful, i think she's funny, i think she's the most relaxing aspect of my life right now. My music is treating me well, i et to go on tour next month with my best friends, across the uk with two american acts, something i could never have predicted last year; i have no craving to find new friends as i know that they are nothing compared to ones i meet on the road and the ones i spent my days with. My voice poses as a catalyst to take it all away, and this is the reason behind all of my sleepless nights, all of my anxiety and all of my doubt, the feeling that i might be the reason that this all falls apart is heart breaking. I can't compete with biology, i can't complete with nature or medicine, what am i to do? so i guess that concludes my explanation as the risk of loosing the one tie i have to happiness is far too high to gamble on a drink, no matter how alive it may make me feel.
I have dreams about shooting the chemical contents of the uk into my veins and wasting away in clubs and pubs, these people regardless have character, they have profiles, but though i may be boring, crippled with anxiety and doubt, i wouldn't trade what i have for any of that status, ill make my own story, it's just going to take a while.
It's just going to take a long while.
